"Be obedient," "don't upset," "do as you should" — almost every girl hears these messages from an early age. They seem harmless, even helpful. But over time, they can turn into a heavy burden. Many psychologists observe that perfectionism, the desire to be perfect, and constant internal control often co-exist with what some refer to as the "good girl syndrome." And while approval-seeking behaviors may have helped earn praise in childhood, in adult life they can interfere with wellbeing and authentic self-expression.
What is the "Good Girl Syndrome"?
While not a formal medical diagnosis, this term is used in popular psychology to describe a persistent behavioral pattern similar to what researchers might call "people-pleasing behavior" or aspects of "sociotropy" in academic literature. Its foundation is the desire to meet expectations, to be "right" in the eyes of others and not cause irritation or judgment. People with these tendencies often become adults who:
- Apologize even when they're not at fault
- Put others' interests above their own
- Have difficulty saying no
- Fear appearing incompetent
- Live according to "what's right" rather than "what I want"
On the outside — everything may appear perfect. Inside — there might be anxiety, chronic fatigue, and a feeling that "something is wrong with me."
How Perfectionism Can Affect Wellbeing
The desire to be "good" can evolve into perfectionism, which psychologists like Paul Hewitt and Gordon Flett have studied extensively. They distinguish between adaptive perfectionism (setting high standards while maintaining balance) and maladaptive perfectionism (excessive self-criticism and fear of failure).
Research suggests that maladaptive perfectionism may be associated with working to exhaustion, basing self-worth solely on external success, and developing an intense fear of mistakes and judgment. Such patterns can be maintained for years without the person noticing: after all, everything looks "good" from the outside.
The challenge is that maladaptive perfectionism doesn't easily allow for weakness, mistakes, or rest — making it difficult to experience life fully. Studies have found associations (though not necessarily causal relationships) between maladaptive perfectionism and:
- Emotional exhaustion and burnout
- Physical symptoms that may include sleep disturbances, tension headaches, and digestive issues
- Increased risk factors for eating disorders
- Higher levels of depression or feelings of emptiness
Why These Patterns Can Be Difficult to Change
People-pleasing behaviors aren't simply personality traits. Research in developmental psychology suggests they may develop as learned responses, often shaped by early experiences where "correct" behavior was rewarded with approval, attention, or a sense of safety.
Childhood origins of perfectionism can be complex, involving parenting styles, early experiences, and individual temperament. When these patterns are established early, giving them up may feel threatening to one's sense of security.
This helps explain why attempts to "be yourself" might initially cause anxiety: there can be legitimate concerns about rejection or judgment. That's why moving toward more authentic self-expression is typically a gradual process that benefits from support and self-compassion.
Steps Toward Finding Balance
If you recognize these patterns in yourself, consider these approaches that align with psychological research on changing perfectionism and people-pleasing behaviors:
- Increase awareness: Notice situations where you prioritize accommodation over your own needs. In what contexts do you sacrifice your desires for approval?
- Practice boundary-setting: Try saying "no" when appropriate. Gently, calmly, but firmly. Even one such experience can strengthen your sense of agency.
- Adjust expectations: Research on perfectionism suggests that challenging unrealistic standards is important. You don't need to excel at everything. "Good enough" is often truly sufficient.
- Develop self-compassion: Allow yourself to make mistakes. A mistake isn't a failure, but an experience that contributes to growth and learning.
- Practice unconditional self-care: Give yourself care not contingent on achievements. Rest, nourishment, and enjoyable activities don't need to be earned.
Conclusion
The tendency to prioritize others' approval over your own authentic needs might seem beneficial on the surface but can ultimately limit personal freedom. It often stems not from genuine care but from fear of disapproval or rejection.
Moving toward more balanced behavior begins with an honest question: "Do I really want this — or am I just trying to please others?" The answer can be the first step toward developing a more authentic relationship with yourself and others.
If these patterns significantly impact your wellbeing, consider consulting with a mental health professional who can provide personalized guidance.
